well pretty self-explanatory, this is stuff I wrote in my journal, though abridged and adapted. Also some stuff that I posted on other websites:

saddness.. Sometimes I feel like I'm missing something, sometimes I feel like it's ok to be turned on by danger, then sometimes I need remember that nothing is truely safe, but will I ever be able to truely court danger without the inevitable ruining of my true will to be?

I walk the edge of Chaos, I am Sandwalker, as the sand is the edge of the sea, the edge of life, the shifting desert where life is tenuous and hangs on the edge of death so confidently, so knowinlgy, the beach, ready to be washed away by the sea at any storm. The sand is the edge of reasonable perception, the sand is the edge between chaos and reason. the sand is the physical representation of the edge that I walk, in my mind, in my emotions, in my body... I walk the edge of sanity and lunacy, of day and nite, of land and water, of jazz and punk, folk and metal, love and anger, health and sickness... The Sands. the Edges. I walk these..

I am Sandwalker.

(7-28-03)

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I feel like a flat soda.

 

I feel like a soda gone flat on an endless mission to a distant planet...

are we there yet?

Just a few more Suns to pass, as comets go by,

And how many Suns ago was the last time they said that?

 

I feel like a manic soda leaving behind a world I knew,

When i worry i fizz and when i dont i worry because i'm not worried...

am I there yet?

Just a nother day or two, as red dragon stirs,

And how many days ago was she to fly away, this great one?

 

I feel like a flat soda gone boring depressed and white with waiting....

How can this be wrong?

This is a fear familiar, but put there by another,

And how many months will pass before I wash away this old demon?

 

(12-29-03)

 

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lizard mind.

Lately my thought process works like a reptile. I sit in the sun and watch the shapes go by, turning them about in my mind over and over, looking at them with one eye and then the other, considering them carefully, for danger, or nourishment..

I see them differently than what others see them, I move slowly concerning them, unless they are heading straight for me.. in which case i get out of their way. Or eat them. usually tho, get out of their way.

They are holographic in nature, i'm never sure what i am, or am not, looking at, with my mind. I turn the thought or problem this way and that, i see thru it.. yet still i have to let it sit before i can understand it. I have to let it sit long enough that it takes on a shape or consistency that my eyes or mind can understand. only then can i see it, figure out what must be done with it. Once it has solidified, then i know which way to run, only then will i know whether i must eat it, or it must eat me.

(1-8-04)

© 2004 Melanie Degen

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